My last post was in 2011 and at the end of 2017, it seems so pathetic that I took to writing a blog to vent myself out in a place where no one would actually see it, let alone read it. At that time, it might have seemed like a good idea but right now, it just feels stupid. The angst of a naive immature college boy in what seems like love which was in fact, nothing but plain foolishness. God!!! That sounds so corny !!!
Anyway, that guy has changed a lot. because a lot has happened since then.
2011
Taking off from that point, that guy's (I mean me at that time) self-sacrificing idiocy took over and still stuck around that girl, because first of all as I have said before, I am an idiot and second of all, when both of you are in the same class, where the fuck are you going to run away to.
Ironically, she got dumped on her birthday, a month after my last post, because of which, I am neither proud nor ashamed to say that, I got some vindictive satisfaction. She got what she deserved. Someone doing what she had done to me (well, not exactly the same, but still). I should have shut down myself to her, instead, my idiocy took over in trying to be the bigger man (and in some foolish hope, that she would come back to me) and as she clung to me for my shoulder to cry upon, I grew stupider and stupider as I did cliched things to make her feel better by making my self-respect and dignity commit suicide. Anyway, as time passed, I grew numb and as realizations set in, and anger took over, I revived myself in 2013 to cut all contacts. (That's not true. I was still in contact with her till 2014 but to be fair, it was sporadic). Later, I heard she got married to a very nice guy at the end of 2016, but immediately broke it off within a week because she realized she wasn't in love or whatever with him...after getting married.
On the hindsight of all that had happened to me, the pain, the anger, the resentment, everything... was worth it. I had dodged a fucking bullet.
2012
I am hazy about all the things that had happened because college...can't remember every moment now, can you? Anyway, the most significant thing that happened was that I had to leave the JUPC on a very sour note. I couldn't take my then recently passed out seniors pulling strings behind my back to disrupt the club proceedings because of what...one of my batchmates falling in love with a junior, on whom a passed out senior had a severely creepy crush on. Sounds stupid, and is actually very stupid. And then, I am the clueless idiot in between all of this, where I was thinking that it was my fault that I wasn't giving my 100% as the club secretary which was causing the break of the chain of command as the current juniors under us seniors were rebelling to get control of the club. And I didn't know why. Especially two juniors. The more I tried to loop them in (within a limit because there has to be a line and those who know me, they know that I had no severity at that time. Perhaps that the only thing that was my fault, which I recognized later after getting out), the more they wanted to extend the boundaries of the limit or else they would quit. I mean, come on! Do you see it? I should have let them quit. But I didn't ( and now, I am the one who is out). I wanted everyone to get along. Stupid me. Anyway, I gave in. Relinquished control to get some peace. And decided to study for my exams.
Ironically, by giving in to the demands of more control to these terrorists, my action was seen as a masterstroke by my batchmate (the one who was the cause for all of this). Because appeasement leads to peace (I was so wrong). Anyway, I completed the year and the next secretary took over (though, I don't remember who). The juniors are now seniors and they had complete control over the club. Now some of us seniors had a year left but we were still in the executive committee (sounds so stupid to say it now, because we were far from functioning like an actual committee at that time) and these guys, who we seniors had taught, trained, loved since their first years, turned on us and started insulting us on every small and trivial matter... like we were nothing to them. Things went so bad that there was a final showdown and in the history of the club, there was a fight because I lost my temper and went to punch one of those two juniors (but dammit!!! I couldn't even land one because three people held me back...whom I wanted to punch later on, for holding me back). And that was it. The club wasn't my home anymore. I left that day and never went back.
But that year, on the bright side, I cleared the 2nd round of SSC CGL 2012 exam, which meant that I was definitely going to get a job in the Central Govt. and I wouldn't have to worry of being unemployed as I pass out in 2013.
Another bright side, I connected with my friends in the department and the hostel because I had no more responsibilities anymore. And I even went on a vacation in the Sikkim with some friends and guess who was also among them...yep, that girl. Yeah, I was still an idiot at that time.
2013
I passed out finally. and on the bright side, I even got admitted for Mphil which I will admit, I was only doing to pass the time until my job offer letter came. Oh, yes, I came to know from the SSC North Eastern website that I was going to to be an auditor at Controller General of Defence Accounts and my posting was going to be in the Office of CDA Guwahati. But, Indian government...everything happens...but really really slow...and very very late. As days passed by, my excitement about my govt job started to wane as my friends from my department had already started earning and I was sitting at home doing nothing except waiting. and that is a very bad feeling. From hope to hopelessness. That descent is like a descent into madness.
Mphil classes were going on and I try out for some temporary jobs, and I amazingly failed at it. I got qualified in a competitive govt job exam among lakhs of candidates and I couldn't even land a job of a telecaller at a call center!!! Now that felt really depressing. Anyway, I joined a four-month course at the university called Editing and Publishing, if that could make me a little bit qualified to even get a temporary job until the phantom job came in to save the day (which day...that wasn't known to me)
2014
I was busy at the university, at least that's what it felt like. That nagging feeling of being unemployed came and went, though. I will admit, the Editing and Publishing course was not necessary for me, but I had fun doing that, especially the Designing module. Though I was a completely below the level of a novice, being a photographer for the four years and a painter for seven or eight years (up to class ten, that's it) helped a lot in that module. I mean there were people better than me, real artists, and designers, and I wasn't even close to a mediocre one. Until, that course, I had no basic knowledge of designing softwares like Illustrator, Indesign, or Pagemaker...just Photoshop but only for basic editing of photographs. Before the end of the course, we were divided into groups, (a designer for each group) for presentations about some fictional publication specializing in a genre and show how their books would be like. I was worried that I wouldn't get a group But to my amazement (because I am me, I hadn't interacted much with the other people there except a few friendly hellos), within minutes of the announcement, a group of girls approached me asking me to be their designer. And they were a good lot but a mixed bag of confidence and insecurity, aloofness and friendliness, which was a bit difficult for me to balance the equation between the alphas and the betas in the group as I was the only male member and also just the designer. I thought it was best to listen and not get involved in the decision making unless absolutely necessary. Though I came under fire for my own lapses, because of unavoidable communication problems from everyone, it was understandable because not all of them were synchronized and mostly, none of us knew how to do a group presentation on this matter. And then it didn't help that we were the first group selected for the presentation. But we did the best we could. Even though all of my designs were eviscerated by Rimi di, my two personal bests were liked by most people present.at that time, I think. Maybe, with time and practice, I could have gone for designing. though, I don't remember what position our group came in among the sixteen groups.
It was fun though.
As this ended, the 2014 General Elections started in March which sadly Modi won, and consequently delayed my police verification process (necessary for any government job) by three months.
I was continuing my Mphil and day by day, my dread was setting in because I was being asked to give outlines for my dissertation to the professor. and I had not thought about it at all (well, obviously...). I was three semesters in and the job offer was still not here. I had lost hope but one day finally, a police constable came to my grandfather's place in Kolkata asking about me about the police verification, that too on the day, when I had just returned from Kolkata to Durgapur. So, hurriedly, I went back to Kolkata the next day to the police station, submitted relevant documents and stuff including coughing up a celebratory donation for my happy news of getting a "gorment" job. Within a month, the same thing happened in Durgapur and after that, I had some semblance of hope.
Finally, the letter came...just before the Pujas asking to join within 15 days or 30 days, I don't remember.
That was it. I left everything and marched to Guwahati to join my first central government job. I didnt even say anything to my professor and it was so rude of me to do that. and its even too late to apologize for that. But I am sorry for leaving so unceremoniously.
And that was the beginning of another chapter of the story of my life.
It started as fun in the beginning but within a month I realized, that the rules are different here. Its not the University where you were free to express yourself. This is the fucking government. You have to very careful. I got into trouble for talking back to someone of lower grade post than me which led me to be falsely accused of a misdemeanor, and if proven guilty, the consequences would have been grave. But, fortunately as torturous as this was for me at that time, while some people were out to get me, some people defended me, a fresh out of college young guy, alone, away from home, who was just getting the hang of this place.
2015
This year was hopeful. I met new people, made some friends, and finally, found a footing in a rented apartment. I was alone and I liked it, but there were cons of living alone that in a place far away from the city. you have to do everything on your own, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. etc. Plus the isolation gets you at times. While my friends were in Kolkata, enjoying the nightlife. I was figuring out how to get to my apartment before night if I ever went to the city. My god!!! Satgaon fucking sucks.
But I adjusted to it. Because I found someone. She just sauntered into my life and she has been here ever since. And to this day, I question myself, why? But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that she has been here since then. She still is... I think.
2016
Within two years, I had mastered my work and my reputation as a hard worker was cemented and people at the office know me now. I was on a high and riding that high of 2015, came the low of 2016
The shittiest year of my life. I fractured my right leg in an accident which broke me down physically, psychologically, finally, reduced me to half a man I was, for the last two years. And that year's after effects are still following me to this very day. I lost my confidence, my vigor, my zeal, and mostly, myself in depression. The only saving grace was that I didn't lose my complete self because of her and my family and friends.
2017
The aftereffects of 2016 continue to this very day. It is a long road to recovery. And in that journey, I made a lot of mistakes, did some petty things, hurt the caring people of my life. Especially her. In my effort to become better, to be deserving of her, to find myself back again (by doing a pretty stupid thing, which I didn't know at that time), and now, I have almost lost her. I don't know if she will ever find her way back to me.
So this is it. 2017 ends on a somber note. I have started the beginning of the end of the effects of 2016. 2016 & 2017 have fucked me up completely. Now, for 2018, let's see, how I can unfuck myself to get back to my original self.
